8 years ago, I had a life-changing experience.
It was a Saturday night. I had a few glasses of wine with my girlfriend in our apartment and because it was close to Valentine’s Day, I’d also had some dark chocolate.
We were getting ready to start our usual Saturday night scrabble game, but I had to answer an important e-mail first. Once I finished the email, I started to feel extremely light headed. I walked a few steps toward the washroom and that was the last thing I remember.
What seemed like a fraction of a second later, I opened my eyes to see my girlfriend looking down at me, frantic, as I lay on the floor; apparently I had passed out.
Once I came to, I noticed a huge lump on my head. As things became more clear, I started a checklist of my body to see if I’d sustained any other damage. Anything was possible, after all. I staggered to the washroom.
Looking in the mirror, my face was white, I was sweaty, and I had a goose egg on the side of my head from hitting the doorframe. Leaning on the sink, I had to take a few minutes to piece together what had just happened. I had no recollection of hitting my head; the goosebump may as well have appeared by magic. What happened? All I knew was that I felt dizzy and the next second I had this massive bump on my head.
I was in great shape, not on any meds and considered myself in excellent health, yet this happened. Looking back, I now believe that it was a combination of the red wine and dark chocolate. Both are known to enlarge blood vessels and, therefore, lower blood pressure. I did not get medical attention (maybe I should have), and I’ve not had a similar experience since. I’ve had physicals and blood work done many times since then and it appears that everything is good. As far as I’m concerned, I passed out due to low blood pressure.
So, where was I during those few minutes? I’m not sure because, to me, it was like no time had passed at all. Walking to the washroom one minute, and waking up on the floor the next. The only thing I can tell you is that it was nothing like going to sleep, dreaming, etc. Even while sleeping and dreaming, I still have a sense of self and time appears to pass. This was not like that. This was total non-existence. If a year had passed while I was out, it would have seemed as though no time had passed at all.
I did not have an NDE (Near Death Experience); as I mentioned, there was no more me, no life, no world, no sense of time, no consciousness. To this day, I really believe that this is as close to experiencing death that I will ever get until that time comes.
What I can tell you is that I felt like I could have stayed that way forever. Even though there was no me, there was a peace and tranquility that I’ve never known in my life. For those few minutes, I had no more worries, anxiety, or doubt. There was no internal chatter in my head, reminding me of what I needed to do, when I needed to do it, and whether I was performing up to society’s standards. There was no regret of the past, no anxiety filled present, and no fear of the future – it was all stripped away.
Though I wasn’t “conscious” during all of this, I felt as though I had been to the most peaceful place imaginable; something beyond space and time and our human understanding. It was like going back to the womb of the universe. When I came to, the first thing I noticed was how heavy and achy my body was. The internal chatter was also back and I found that so annoying. In fact, I began to weep a little because I’d been torn from unimaginable bliss back to stark reality. I didn’t want to be back, I wanted to return to the stillness. It took me a few minutes to reorient myself.
As mentioned, I didn’t have a typical NDE experience. There was no out of body experience, nor did I start floating towards a bright light at the end of a tunnel, etc. I did not experience anything as me – there was no me, there was no “experience” – yet there was. There was no first person witness to anything that was going on, I did not exist, but at the same time, I was everything. Even a dream gives you a sense of time and space – I had none of that. So, it may sound peculiar when I say it was also pure bliss. How could I know that if there was no actual human experience? I honestly can’t tell you, but I am certain if all there is after death is that complete and utter silence, then I’m good with that.
I’ve read a lot of near death experiences and one thing I’ve always had a problem with is that people are still experiencing events as themselves. There is still a sense of time passing and they are seeing and feeling everything with their senses, in their human form. To be honest, I think that might be due to chemicals flooding the brain as the body prepares to die. Imagine if time and space still existed in the afterlife and you were there for eternity? No matter how beautiful it was, you would eventually be tormented beyond belief if it never ended.
Eternal stillness and silence outside of space and time seems to be the only real option after death. Where your consciousness ends and you are absorbed back into the universe. It’s the only logical conclusion, even though the concept of non-existence is terrifying to us mortals.
After my experience, I felt as though a massive weight had been lifted. I’d always had an unnatural fear of death and my “trip” to the void seemed to curb that. As I was returning back to this world, I remember having an overwhelming sense that everything is going to be just fine – and there was nothing to fear.
Over time, that feeling has subsided a little and sometimes it’s just a vague memory. My fear of death, however, isn’t nearly as bad as it once was.
As humans, we want to cling to the notion that our consciousness somehow survives death; as though we are simply transported to some magical place to live forever. But the more you think about it, the more unlikely it seems. The “I” that is you right now, observing the world, hearing sounds, feeling your environment is accomplished by your brain and nervous system. Once you are dead, what remains is no different than any other decomposing organic matter anywhere on Earth. You are recycled by nature – you are gone.
Scary stuff!
Yeah, I used to think so too!
